`Recently, the Arcade Fire were nominated for a Grammy for Record of the Year against Eminem, Lady Antebellum, Lady Gaga, and Katy Perry. This is the conversation that went down at the Butler household after finding out the news.
Win Butler enters the room after playing some basketball with a group of African Americans at the local playground drinking Vitamin Water.
Regine: Honey I have some great news!
Win: What is it babe?
Regine: I decided that I finally want to get a car
Win: What kind of car
Regine: Let's get a Hummer
Win: I'm not sure if that will be good for our band's brand. We h8 the suburbs, and that means we probably h8 gas guzzlers
Regine: But it will be great for when we start having babies
Win: I guess that's true, but maybe we should settle on a Lexus SUV hybrid
Regine: We might as well drive a goddamned Toyota
Win: Listen, I just don't want us to come under fire
Regine: You listen to me you little ass hole. I said I want a Hummer. I am the lead singer of our band, I am the most important member of the Arcade Fire, and I make the decisions in this relationship.
Win: Yes, ma'am. I'm sorry
Regine: Now why don't you go get your little shirt with the Haiti patch on it so people know that u r PROPERTY OF REGINE CHASSAGNE <3 <3
Win: Yes Ma'am.
Regine: Do you want to watch some TV?
Win: Yeah I think the sports game is on.
Regine: You know that I hate sports. Let's watch a sitcom on CBS.
Win: But it's a really important game. LeBron James is back in Cleveland. He left his home town to take is talents to South Beach, the home of the Miami Heat.
Regine: Blah blah blah. Sports sports sports. Maybe there is a little bit too much suburbia in you because you keep talking about sports.
Win: I'm sorry. Let's just watch TV. I'm sorry, babe.
Regine: Hahaha this show is so funny.
Win: Yes, it is very funny.
Regine: You are making fun of me. You think I am stupid.
Win: I don't think that at all.
Regine: I wrote and performed "Sprawl II (Mountains Beyond Mountains)" on our latest hit album. Easily the best song on our album What the fuck did u ever do?
Win: I am just trying to be a good husband, a good backing member of your band.
Regine: Aww you're being sweet. How about if we warm up some taquitos from Costco?
Win: Here sweetie, I brought extra guac for you, just how u like it.
Regine: Thanks, now please be quiet so I can watch the show.
The couple sits in silence for 30 minutes as they watch an episode of CSI.
Win: I just got a very important email that told us to watch the Grammy Nominations.
Regine: What the fuck is a Grammy?
Win: It is an important American award for music
Regine: But I thought you moved to Canada from Houston because u h8ed America. Why do u care?
Win: Listen, I just want our band to be popular, because if more people hear our music, the more 'good' we can do for the world.
Regine: There are so many problems in Haiti, why do u care abt the rest of the world? Don't you love me?
Win: I do love you. It's just that winning this would be great for our band, our sales, and our future opportunities.
Regine: Is this going to be like that time you let our music be used in mainstream American football commercials?
Win: We used that money for charity.
Regine: It is my music. I am still very, very angry at you for that.
Win: I'm sorry. I made a mistake. It won't happen again
Regine: And what about the time our music was used in that kids movie about monsters? That was really dumb.
Win: That was for our good friend Spike Jonez. The movie was brilliant. It was a good idea.
Regine: The movie was a pile of shit. It wasn't even as good as Toy Story 3 bc u didn't cry.
Win: Listen, I promise you, if we ever do anything like that again, you will have the final say.
Regine: You owe me big time. Will you get me a new computer? Why do we still have the bulky old desktop? I want a Macbook Air.
Win: I already told you, I do my best writing on that computer.
Regine: Your songs are terrible. You are so effing lucky I am here to save ur ass.
Win: I am very lucky to have you. You are the love of my life.
Regine: Alright let's watch the Grammy nominations.
TV ANNOUNCER: And the nominees for best alternative music album are the Arcade Fire with The Suburbs, Band of Horses with Infinite Arms, The Black Keys with Brothers, Broken Bells with Broken Bells, and Vampire Weekend with Contra.
Win: That's great news!
Regine: Who the fuck are all of these shitty bands?
Win: Well they are all a lot of great bands, and it is just a pleasure to be nominated.
Regine: Vampire Weekend? Are they those Ivy League ass holes who tried to get me to join their band?
Win: When did this happen?
Regine: Oh I forgot to tell you.
Win: Are you cheating on me?
Regine: I have cheated on you multiple times
Win: Why?
Regine: I do whatever the fuck I want. I'm effing Regine
Win: I forgive you.
Regine: Of course you do. The Arcade Fire would be 'the Arcade Poop' without me.
Win: I am faithful to you.
Regine: You're goddamn right you are. Can u really find some1 to replace me as a wife and as a lead singer?
Win: No, you are brilliant at the accordion.
Regine: The Arcade Fire would srsly be 'forgettable indie rock by bros' without me.
Win: Yes, you've said it like 100 times already
Regine: And I could say it 100 more times
Win: I forgive you.
TV ANNOUNCER: And the nominees for Best Album of the Year are the Arcade Fire, Eminem, Lady Antebellum, Lady Gaga, and Katy Perry.
Regine: I shit on Lady Gaga. Katy Perry can eat my turds for breakfast. I have more talent in my clitoris than any of those bands have in their entire bodies.
Win: You are right, but I don't think we will win. We wrote a great album, but sometimes greatness isn't honored in these types of awards shows.
Regine: Trust me. We're going to fucking win.
Win: It's just an honor to be nominated.
Regine: This isn't a press conference. I wrote these songs, and I 'bring it' every night. We're going to fucking win this shit.
Win: I sure hope so.
Regine: Plz be quiet and change the channel
Win: Yes ma'am.
Regine: Can you grab me a Diet Dr. Pepper?
Win: Okay
Win leaves the room, returns with bottle of Diet Dr Pepper
Regine: Where the fuck is my straw?
Win: I'm sorry, I forgot.
Regine: You better be fucking sorry.
Win: Listen, we just won a Grammy, why don't we go out to Chili's to celebrate?
Regine: I'm so tired of your infatuation with the Suburbs and chain restaurants.
Win: Don't u ever just wish we could get away from the sprawl, though?
Regine: I wrote that lyric. Stop
Win: I love us.
Regine: Please be quiet and practice ur guitar.
Win: Yes, ma'am.
Regine walks to the center of the stage and faces the audience.
Regine: It's not easy being an indie frontwoman, keeping all of these indie bros in check, but somebody's gotta do it. I'm Regine Chassagne, the Grammy winning indie songstress. Win is a great guy, doing his best, but lord knows this band wouldn't be shit without me. I'm doing my best. I might go solo, both in our marriage, and in buzzband life, but don't tell Win. He is a very loyal partner, but I feel like he is holding me back. I feel like I could have received between 5-10 nominations if I didn't have this crappy band holding me back.
Goodnight, sweet Win.
ENTER GINGER BRO
Ginger bro: Does some1 want me to bang on some shit?
END
Do u think Win is 'whipped'?
Is Regine 'abusive'?
Is the Arcade Fire 'nothing' without Regine?
Will the Arcade Fire win 'album of the year'?
Should Regine join Vampy weeks?
Are the Grammys an 'effing disgrace'?
