In a previous ALT REPORT post, 2 entry level QTs vlogged about what kind of bro they are looking for in a significant other [link]. The girls idealized some sort of alt-leaning bro, who was really cool, wore cool clothes, cuddled, and a lot of other unrealistic concepts that alternative bros aren’t that in2.
What are you looking for in an alt broad? A pushover? Some1 to control and play mindgames with? Some1 without an identity that u can manipulate? A simple girl who u can walk all over? What is ur ideal broad like? Is it ‘mean’ 2 call a woman a ‘broad’?
Do u want broads who do coke? Broads who can Haaaang? Really Slutty broads? Designated Driver broads? Broads who don’t make u wear a condom?
Are these bros ‘alt’ or are the just bro bros? Are John “Chill Murray” Zongrone and Josh “Chillenium Y2k” Seiler authentic bros? Do u think these bros should hook up with the initial entry leve QT vloggers? [link]
If u r a bro, what is ur ideal partner like? Do u want a beautiful, independent woman, or just a human with a warm, wet place to put your penis in? Are alternative bros ‘lewd’ and ‘disgusting’?
I’m Jared Fucking Leto and I’m a fucking alt G-d Eff h8rs Eff lamestreamers
So many cheesy ass rock stars ‘crowd surf’ When I go out on a crowd, I walk all over those bitches cuz I own them & they worship me
While normal buzzbands can only ‘crowdsurf’, Jared Leto parts the seas or, opts to walk on crowds [via walking on water]
They reach to grab me like I cure cancer when u touch me
Even sometimes do a metaphorical ‘crucifixion’ just to prove that I would die/rock 4 ur sins
This is my biological brother He’s my drummer (He’s alt, too)
This is my congregation I am a community leader I inspire kids all across the world I understand their problems and offer them hope [via alt rock music]
I’m Jared Leto and I’m an Alt God
Srsly though. Only God could be captured with a digital camera in a picture like this 1 Really feel like I am the Sun, the Moon, and the Stars Turn water in2 wine Solve global conflict promote peace and chillity and cure kids who can’t walk [via Forrest Gump]
Is Jared Leto the ultimate alt God? Is there nothing that Jared Leto can’t do? When u were going thru difficult alternative times in ur life, was it Jared Leto who was carrying u? [via footprints] Do u believe in JarBro?
Jamie XX is the formal name of the drummer from the XX. I think they make them change their names in order to be in the band, and they sort of have a rotating lineup, kinda like Menudo. When u start to get too old, ur kicked out of the band. Anyways, this bro apparently ‘went solo’ / ‘left the band. Not sure if that is a good decision, or what. The xx is gonna be sooo popular in 2k11 / 2k12, becoming one of the biggest bands in Europe.
Here is his new song that he wrote. I think he is basically saying ‘the XX suxx, this is the real kind of music that I want to make.’ Do u think this mp3 is any good? Will it go to #1 on the billboard charts / hype machines?
Not sure if this is dubstep or chillwave. Maybe some sort of tropical core. Confused. Don’t ‘get’ dubstep.
Is the XX breaking up?
Who is ur favourite member of the XX? a) Oliver Sim b) Romy Croft c) Jamie Ex-X d) the girl that they kicked out Sorta miss the girl that quit the band / was kicked out. Bet she cringes every time she hears the XX on the indie radio pandora iTunes.
Is Jamie XX ‘gone forever’? Does the Jamie XX solo song sound better than every XX song combined? Did the XX lose value over time? Will the XX become the new AnCo, and each member will have a solo project and they will compete with 1 another to be more famous/richer than the other members of the band? Is the XX the most successful buzzband of 2k9? Do u think they kicked out Jamie XX cuz he didn’t know how 2 play ‘real drums’ / was too much of an insurance liability due to carpal tunnel? Does he do too much Tap Tap Tappy McTapping?
Just saw these new Justin Bieber dolls. I think since he is marketed to females, they want 2 capitalize on the ‘vibrator’ / ‘dildo’ / ‘putting objects in ur pussie’ design aesthetic. I know these look like ‘little dolls’, but I think they are actually supposed to ‘pleasure’ women who want to be with JBieb. Maybe like a cougar who is preying hard or something. Basically, it is supposed to simulate penetration [via sex], and there is also a lil swoop of hair that ‘tickles the clitoris.’ Seems like an effective way to ‘promote abstinence’ while maximizing ‘pleasure.’
Which model of doll do u think ur gonna get? Is this ‘genius’ band merch that will really get his core tribe fired up? Which 1 of these dolls do u think ‘gets u off’ the best?
They call this doll ‘The Shocker’ because he can fit in ur butt hole, as well. Do u think these dolls could get u off, or would u prefer a Justin Bieber penis mold?
This dildo is called ‘Wet Dreams’ because ur supposed to sleep with him in between ur legs and it will help u 2 cum while ur sleeping if he is pressed right up against the clitoris. Feel like JBieb’s brand is mad ubiquitous.
Other models include ‘The Hymen Ripper’, ‘Tweenage Dreams’, and ‘The Squirter.’ Go to ur local Toys R Us / Spencer’s Gifts / Adult Toy Store/ Kaybee Toy Store / Amazon.com mall outlet 2 pick them up. Use the discount code CARLESRUNOFF2CATCHA_PREDATOR_GLASSES to get 15% discount.
R u hornie 4 the Justin Bieber fuck doll? Would u lose ur virginity to a lil Bieber fuck doll? When u were a kid did u ‘rip the clothes off ur sister’s Barbies’ and ‘fondle their breasts’? Will Justin Bieber dolls ‘revolutionize’ the band merch industry? Which indie star would u buy a peen mold of? Which female indie star would you buy a vagina mold / flesh light of?
Not sure what the eff Barry Obama is doing. He’s the g-d President, but he is still pursuing his dream of becoming a ‘buzzband’ or something. That’s rlly the only way I can explain him being on the cover of Rolling Stone Magazine besides them paying him tons of money for exclusive nudes 2 help them sell magazines [via the Playboy biz model]. Unsure if magazines still make money. Feel like if Barry Obama really wanted to ‘send out a message’ he could just take over every national TV network for like 3 hours and just ‘riff’ and let every1 know what is on his mind, sort of like a teen vlogging on youtube or something.
Not sure what his deal is. Is Barack Obama a ‘President’ or a ‘buzzband’? Should he be focusing on jobs / the War in Iraq / Osama bin Laden / gay rights instead of talking abt ‘What’s on his iPod’ with some journalist?
Feel like this is a difficult question for Barry because he probably likes white honky James Taylor-y/Michael McDonald yacht rock music, but also has to pretend that he loves ‘black culture’ and ‘black artists.’
What music have you been listening to lately? What have you discovered, what speaks to you these days?
My iPod now has about 2,000 songs, and it is a source of great pleasure to me. I am probably still more heavily weighted toward the music of my childhood than I am the new stuff. There’s still a lot of Stevie Wonder, a lot of Bob Dylan, a lot of Rolling Stones, a lot of R&B, a lot of Miles Davis and John Coltrane. Those are the old standards. A lot of classical music. I’m not a big opera buff in terms of going to opera, but there are days where Maria Callas is exactly what I need. Thanks to Reggie [Love, the president's personal aide], my rap palate has greatly improved. Jay-Z used to be sort of what predominated, but now I’ve got a little Nas and a little Lil Wayne and some other stuff, but I would not claim to be an expert. Malia and Sasha are now getting old enough to where they start hipping me to things. Music is still a great source of joy and occasional solace in the midst of what can be some difficult days.
Might have to send the White House a preloaded iPod shuffle with tons of relevant buzzbands on it. Feel like Sash and Malia might get ‘alt’ as the get older.
Does some1 need to send Barry a memo like “Dude, ur in office. U got elected already dude. Stop worrying abt how many people like ur brand and just be a President”? Is Obama failing as a President? Do u think hiphop magazines are pissed that he didn’t give them an interview? Are magazines ‘dying’ or are they the last place where ‘real journalism’ takes place? If u were going to introduce Barry 2 an indie buzzband, which gateway band would u propose 2 him? Is Barack Obama failure as a President? Is Barry going to lose his next election to a racist Tea Partier whose campaign slogan will revolve around ‘getting blacks out of the white house’?
Jason Schwartzman is an alt actor who starred in Rushmore. He is sorta like the alt version of Macaulay Culkin [via Home Alone] because no1 really wanted him to grow up, and no matter how old he gets, every1 still imagines him as Maxwell Fischer, the lovable dreamer from Wes Anderson’s Rushmores film. Basically, Bill Murray and JSchwartz have been ‘coasting’ off solid performances in that movie for the past decade.
Anyways, kinda worried abt JSchwartz. Recently, he starred in the BOMB movie called Scott Pilgrim Vs The World : The Michael Cera Chronicles. Now it seems like he is in this iPad commercial. Kinda wish I could build a time machine, and travel back in time with the knowledge of indie films that I have now. Basically would have made sure he was in every possible hit indie film. Garden State, Lost In Transitions, Avatar, and even probably would have got him cast as Iron Man / Spider Man. Gotta admit, he was in a tough position cuz he probably ‘nailed’ his best role when he was 9 years old, but kinda wish he had gone mad mainstream so he wouldn’t have to ‘overthink’ his participation in non-alt movies. Would rather have seen him evolve into an action star / romantic comedy zany love interest+bff instead of preserving his brand as an alt icon. Sad to see him in a magazine iPad app commercial
Not even sure what ‘The New Yorker’ is or if it is relevant. If I had to guess, it is probably part of the New York Times blog website, and they are trying to launch an iPad app to appeal 2 young ppl since magazines and newspapers are dying.
Did yall see his peen in this video? Do u think his schlong will help sell apps? Will ‘apps’ save the newspaper magazine industry? Does this iPad app interface seem ‘effing sweet’? Is iPad gonna replace ‘paper’ / ‘real computers’ in 2k14? Is this commercial authentic, or did Jason Schwartzman ‘mortgage his brand’ for a few ad dollars? Are ‘high end viral web shorts’ the most authentic brand of commercials? Is JSchwartz ‘hot’? Do u read the New Yorker Times, or do u just chill on CNN.com/USAToday.paper-edish? Do u feel sad about the ‘Wes Anderson Curse’ where former stars in his movies are forced to peddle technology in commercials 2 save their careers? [via Luke Wilson AT&T commercial]
Pitchfork Magazine is one of the leading online American websites for indie rock, and they basically have the skype phone number of every relevant artist across the world. After MGMT got piss thrown at them when they were playing in the UK, Pitchfork was like, “No way did they actually get piss thrown at them. That was just blog fodder. We’re going to get the real story instead of just posting a zany blog headline about peeing on humans.” They basically email chatted MGMT and were like, ‘Did ppl rlly throw piss at u?’ The Andrew VanWyngardens was like “No. That was just the British media getting to make up a bunch of shit because they are butt holes.
Based on his email, he seems like a zany, far out bro. He seems to be ‘self-aware’ abt his band’s identity, but at the same time, ‘insecure’ about the critical perception of Congratulations.
Message from Andrew VanWyngarden:
What’s up dude!?
All accounts of this alleged piss-throwing/shirt-piss-catching incident as well as the “label not giving them as much freedom” are false and maliciously embellished, as an indirect result of the Malicious British Journalistic Freedom Act (1666) which entitles gobshot writers for shitty British tabloids to make up whatever the fuck they want about whomever they choose (citation needed).
Although we’re sure everyone’s life could go on just fine without an “official clarification” of something that happened to that band MGMT somewhere in England, things have gotten to a point where we feel obligated to defend our selves and tell people the real story: witches, this: At the start of “Kids”, MGMT’s most popular song to date and the second-to-last song in the set, a celebratory cup of hearty Manchester ale, NOT URINE, was hurled into the air in the direction of the stage, thereupon landing in the lap of William Berman, the current world’s best drummer. As we understand, thrown cups of beer are a sign of affection over here, whereas thrown bottles of urine mean the opposite. So, thank you Manchester for your affection.
Will Berman then left the stage to dry off and the band **finished the set without him, a nice non-percussive version of MGMT’s current smash single “Congratulations.” EVERYONE then returned for a steamy full band encore of “Future Reflections” and “Brian Eno”, the latter of which induced a moist circular moshing type pit in the center of the floor. Johnny Marr was in attendance, the Dum Dum Girls sounded great, plenty of clotted cream and fresh berries in catering, Liverpudlian youths with dandy style, and no one got hurt. All in all it was a great show, and, on a scale of one to ten counting by tenths, I would give it a strong 7.1.
As for the whole label-not-giving-them-artistic-freedom thing, we aren’t even close to starting the process of making a new album, label-relations are currently quite friendly, we are very proud of “Congratulations” and the new videos, looking forward to making more music on Columbia, and the (mostly sold out) world tour has been going splendidly THANKS FOR ASKING. Don’t believe everything that you read (even on Pitchfork.com). taking the piss=bad idea in interviews,
kittens, MGMT
big upsSPECTRUM,TAMEIMPALA,VIOLENS,DASRACIST,DEERHUNTER
**MGMT realizes its slow wit in not playing “Someone’s Missing” when Will left the stage. IT APOLOGIZES.
Really confused. They seem chill, shouting out other buzzbands, saying that the UK is a ‘shit hole’, letting people know that they are making ‘mad bank’ as they tour around the world playing (mostly) sold out venues. Just wanna chill out with Andrew VanWynBrodener, smoke a spliff, and write some concept rock.
Should more buzzbands write direct letters 2 blog websites so we can see what they are all abt?
Is MGMT chill? Do u believe them? Do u think their tour is sold out? Do u thin it is chill that they ‘shouted out’ buzzbands in their email? Is MGMT rolling around in mad buzz dollars? Should MGMT be proud of “Congratulations”? If they can lie 2 our faces abt Congratulations being a good product, would they lie 2 us abt being peed on? Is this just the tipping point of a huge USA vs UK buzzband + alt media outlet war? Do yall prefer unfounded rumors on the internet because they provide better content/sharable memes than bands can actually produce themselves? Were u at the show and do u take responsibility for peeing on them?
The Arcade Fire’s “Wake Up” is one of the honkiest, mainstreamiest indie songs of all time. It has been used in commercials, movies, sports Super bowls, soft porn films, and even public service announcements for Republican Conservative ideas. Might have made some of those up, but feel like I keep hearing it every where. Win Butler has gotta be ‘rollin in cash’ with Regine for licensing that bad boy out 2 every1 possible.
For some reason, a lot of blogs like to pretend that the Roots are relevant just because they have that drummer with a question mark in his name, and they are the ‘house band’ for Jimmy Fallon. Probs a good move 4 them because they sorta seemed like a ‘dead 1 hit wonder’ type of MTV band or something. Anyways, they teamed up with John Legend and ‘covered’ “Wake Up” by the Arcade Fires. Seems like they added ‘tons of soul’ 2 the song. Feel disoriented. Just want 2 hear white wailing Canadian voices. Feel kinda pissed at this cover. Maybe because when I listen to “Wake Up” I want to hear white Canadian voices singing it. Just imagine Win’s towering white man’s build on stage, doing his best impression of fellow white singer Bruce Springsteen. Does that make me racist? Just like ‘this is our scene’ and we shouldn’t let any1 change it.
Is the indiesphere ‘mad white’? R u an indie racist? Is the indiesphere ‘segragated’? Is the Arcade Fire ‘rock n roll 4 white ppl’? Did this cover ‘kill it’? Do u remember that time Macy Gray ruined this song too? [link]
