Friday, July 9, 2010

HIPSTER RUNOFF

HIPSTER RUNOFF

Kanye West and LeBron James celebrate their global personal brands/being ass holes

Posted: 09 Jul 2010 11:43 AM PDT

LeBron James celebrates his new life with , creating a controversial meme / think piece for the internet 2 analyze.

2 ass holes
trying 2 hard
2 be ‘global brands’
2 be ‘universally loved’

Working out their insecurities in public forums
In surreal contexts
One bro ‘makes kewl sounds and raps over them
The other bro puts bouncey balls into hoops

As a society
we have told them that they are valuable because of their gifts
and they are both trying to ‘make us happy’
Since they believe the fruits of their labors will help them to
inspire us to buy shit with their names on it.

Both mix art, sport, and commerce
trying to build a brand to ’sell shit’
Jerseys, albums, shoes, art
Trying to transcend demographics
Black, white, Chinese, Indian
Poor, Rich, Russian Billionaires, kids who can’t afford shoes
tons of middle class white kids

Feel like we’ve been ‘betrayed’
These bros are just so unchill
They are all about ‘me’
But they are sort of like ‘Me 1.0′
Me 2.0 exists on the internet
in the twitter/facebook status update era

Me 1.0 bros are just baffling
because they lack ‘the self-awareness’
/are ‘too insecure’ to just chill out
Not make everything s000 contrived

Me 2.0 bros react fast on the twitter
It’s not even that difficult to be Me 2.0
Me 2.0 bros ‘get it’ in a mainstream way
and are quick to share their snarky observations with the world

Me 2.0 bros really ‘get off’ to exposing Me 1.0 bros.

R u Me 1.0, 2.0, 3.0, 4.0, 5.0 or ____.0?

Feel like and LeBron James don’t really want people to h8 them
The bros are motivated to ‘be loved’
to ‘get their dicks sucked’
both physically and metaphorically

Think they might just need ‘friends’
a solid network of bros who aren’t lost in their inane talents
A network of bros who won’t bang their moms [via Delonte West]
Some1 to help them understand who they are
sort of like a life coach

Might just vibe out,
listen to some vintage ironic non-ironic positive vibe rap
Brought to us by the ultimate African American personal brand
Will Smith

Will Smith was truly the first African American
that young white people ‘let into their homes’
(Most were too young to really bro down with Bill Cosby, except 2 eat Pudding Pops)
(And Steve Urkel wasn’t really kewl enough/was just a gimmick)

So we have learned to love Will Smith
He has become an even more likable black version of Tom Cruise
So positive that it is difficult 2 believe
He even created a mini version of himself [via the Black Karate Kid]

N e ways
just wanted to say
LeBron and Kanye are ass holes
Don’t really wanna get too insightful
or even ‘give them advice’
because I think I enjoy watching them ‘do dumb shit’
and create bloggable internet memes

But I feel like they have emerged as a ‘new version of a black stereotype’
Maybe a Super-Sized Racial Stereotype that is only achievable in the modern world / internet era.
More than just an ‘Uncle Tom’ who wants to bro down with white people
or the ’sambo’ who loves to perform for white people
or even the ‘gorilla’ who is commonly associated as some sort of ‘beast’ / ‘bad guy’ / ‘violent, uncontrollable black man’

A new stereotype seems to have emerged,
and LeBron + Kanye are the ‘poster boys’
of this African American Human Meme Stereotype

Feel ‘racist’ for suggesting this
But here is the criteria
a) Considered ‘great’ at their profession in a superficial kind of way
b) High level of fame across races
c) Trying super hard to ‘expand their personal brands’/make every1 love them
d) Clearly never going to be as ‘great’ as others in their profession
e) Does shit that ‘makes them h8ed’ on the reg
f) They have evolved past the ‘thug’ stereotype and are more interested in appealing to white people with $$$ to buy stuff
g) Get tons of blog coverage
h) Ultimately symbolize some sort of ‘tragic figure’ still searching for an identity in an absurd, post-racial world.

Feel confused and scared for them
Like ‘they can’t win’
But they are trying really hard 2 ‘win’
Not even sure what they do

Heads up their own asses
Becomes ‘fun to h8 them’
Cuz every day I browse the internet
for people/memes to <3
and people/memes 2 h8

Seems chill to be able to 'hate' these bros so hard
I feel 'more interesting' when I can react to negative vibes
instead of just trying to spread positive vibes all the time.
As chill as chillwaves can be
sometimes u gotta get harsh on some bros to have a 'dynamic personality'

Welcome 2 Miami
Bienvenidos a Miami.

Who is a bigger ass hole: LeBron James or ?
Which bro is more self-aware?
Do they represent a complex new stereotype / genre of ‘famous African American bro’ that the world has never seen before?
Who got ‘fucked over’ more: Taylor Swift or Cleveland?
Is LeBron James an ass hole 4 taking this picture?

Zooey Deschanel makes new music video using crappy ‘black and white’ effects on her MacBook

Posted: 09 Jul 2010 09:02 AM PDT


is in the band She & Him. They are trying to market themselves as an indie band to ’super, super boring people’ who still want to feel like they are ‘trendy.’ They made some new video, and I am not sure who directed it, but if I had to guess, they filmed it with an HD flipcam, then edited it on a Macbook, using the effects ‘black and white’ and or ’sepia.’ Maybe even a cutom setting called ‘Old Times’ or ‘Vintage Video’ that makes a video look super retro.

Maybe I am wrong and they used a ‘vintage camera’ that isn’t even digital, just to try to get mad authentic. Story line is creepy. Seems like some sort of time machine vibe or something. Little kid with goatee is creepy and mini Zooey seems ‘illegal’ in terms of her sexy indie brand.

Honestly only vibe out to this style of video if it is a ’snuff film’, or maybe some ‘hardcore indie pornography’, like security cam style of voyeur stuff. But I think in our modern world, the ‘night vision’ setting of cameras has sort of been the sex tape standard.

Still think needs to kick the goatee bro out of the band, cuz he can really be creepy. Feel like she would look 10 years younger if she was ’solo.’ Maybe she could go blonde again, and get ‘tit implants’ 2 be more like Katy Perry. Also would be sweet to see some Ben Gibbard cum pix or something.

Is this song ‘awesome’?
Is this video ‘mad boring’?
Do yall h8 more than u h8 M.I.A.?
Do u have any good tips for editing videos on ur home computer, and making them look ‘vintage’?
Does She & Him need to break up/quit this whole ‘act’ of pretending they are a vintage authentic indie band?

Unchill AZN bro starts buzzband, gets gig, ruins chill vibes at venue

Posted: 09 Jul 2010 06:38 AM PDT

Photos by guestofaguest


So u finally did it, didn’t u, bro?
U wanted to get some buzz
steal some buzz from other bands
starting ur own buzzband

Why would u do that?
To spread unchill vibes?
Do people want to feel unchill?
(Besides juggalos, hardcore bros, and Korn bros)

Don’t really care if you hired an alt chick
or what progressive instrument she plays.

I know what ur trying to do
ur trying to jump on ‘the chillwave movement’
by bringing ur macbook on stage
and singing over it

Ur not fooling me, bro
there’s nothing chill about u
Just wish u’d chill
so unchilled right now

Vibes really swirled down the shitter…

Why did u take ur peen out?
Why did u stuff your cod piece?
Why r u so unchill?

Every1 is just kinda bummed
We thought we were gonna just have a chill type of get together
then u bring ur band
and then ask people to try to touch ur peen.

Why do u always do this bro?
Getting super tired, like chillwave as we know it is ending
and u r the force that is thawing it out
Don’t really care abt ur band’s mp3s
or how much local buzz ur getting

Don’t really care about the ’sweet harmonies’

Don’t even care about ‘trying to see a nip slip’ on either 1 of yall

Ur personal brand is just sort of overwhelming me
Just wish ur vibes were chiller…
h8 u UnChill AZN bro

The Guy from the Killers ‘goes solo’, writes crappy new song that sounds like the Killers

Posted: 09 Jul 2010 06:06 AM PDT


Brandon Flowers is the lead singer of the popular alt rock band . Feel like that band is probably the next U2 or something, probably a ways ahead of the Arcade Fire for ‘the most popular mainstream band that people like 2 pretend is alt.’

N e ways, seems like that bro went solo, and made some music video. Pretty boring song, boring video. Not sure who this appeals to, but imagine people who are really into ‘talking themselves into this artsy solo project.’ Charlize Theron is in the video, probably to appeal to international / South African audiences. Song is too boring to make the video ‘even remotely interesting.’ Feel like even the quality of this post was ‘compromised’ because of the quality of the video/song, but just wanted to share this lame experience with yall.

Sorta think he should just keep writing the cheesy poppy bullshit to please the most people possible.

N e ways, feel 0% interested in this ‘exciting new solo project.’ Wonder if it will get tons of mainstream buzz, or if Pitchfork will give it a 3.0, ‘just for shits.’

Do yall like ?
Is Brandon Flowers ‘the most authentic front man in alt rock’?
Do u remember when were just a buzzband, playing ‘new wave, synth driven pop’?

Does dude seem like a ‘dbag’ compared to his old personal brand?

BREAKING NEWS: LeBron James joins indie supergroup Animal Collective

Posted: 08 Jul 2010 06:59 PM PDT

ALT REPORT EXCLUSIVE


LeBron James is an basketball super star African American athlete who wants to have ‘the greatest personal brand in the history of personal brands.’ This brand will allow him to make tons of money, and be so famous that he basically gets everything for free. This summer, the American media has been dominated by talks of ‘where’ LeBron James will go, since he will bring tons of buzz + dollars to a local economy.

Many expected him to join teams like the Miami Heat and the Chicago Bulls, looking to win Championships. It seems like he ‘threw the entire sports world’ a massive curveball, deciding instead to retire from the game of basketball, and instead pursue a more organic form of buzz, fame, and social acceptance. Giving up the and millions of dollars and mainstream fame for the difficult, sometimes ‘insane’ world of blog indie rock. Many mainstreamers and ESPN sports bros don’t really understand ‘why’ he turned his back on them.

Said James, “I just really vibed mad hard to the chillwave movement, and realized there was something out there more important than the . I want to be relevant in the buzz bloggiasphere. Tons of cool shit goin on there, even my main man Jay-Z is into all that white shit.”

Joining might be one of the most important decisions in the history of the indiesphere. already has a ‘championship team’, usually scoring 9.0s and above from Pitchfork. The addition of LeBron James aids their cause, hoping to reach the illustrious 10.0, which is usually reserved for re-issues of classic albums by the Beatles and Pavement.

There was a wave of speculation as to which buzzband LeBron James would join. He was about to join Vampire Weekend, but since he didn’t go to college, he didn’t really fit in with their brand. Other reports claim that LeBron James was about to join the Kings of Leon, and they would have changed their name 2 ‘The Kings of LeBron.’ Many record executives claimed that LeBron would replace Andrew VanWyngarden as the lead singer of management. Rumors out of left field had LeBron starting a chillwave supergroup with Toro Y Moi and Washed Out.

Here is a video of LeBron James ’stuffing’ Kobe Bryant, which many analysts expect him to do to rival buzzbands.

LeBron James has a unique skillset, size, and youth which will be needed to reinvigorate as they climb into their upper 30s. Many blog insiders claim that AnCo’s personal brands are getting too old, and adding a younger, African American member will help them appeal to a wider base of fans (the tweens and the blacks). It is AnCo’s goal to become a weekly trending topic on twitter.

Many say that LeBron James ‘cant even play an instrument’, but sources close to Panda Bear say that they have a great plan for building the band’s future around LeBron James. They will utilize his ‘dunking ability’ to replace video visualizations that usually appear behind the band on stage. Instead, LeBron will shoot hoops, and do sick dunks to keep the crowd on their feet.

AnCo’s record label Domino is reported to have ordered 10 basketball hoops to place around the crowd during the live show, encouraging fans to ‘get active’, shoot some baskets, and possibly even see the band/LeBron interact with the crowd. In order to build the brand, will look to sponsor 3-on-3 tournaments before their shows to make more money off Gatorade/Vitamin Water/5-hour-energy concessions.

While there are many losers in the LeBron James signing (such as Cleveland, other buzzbands, the , the sport of basketball), it is an undeniable win for the entire indiesphere. LeBron James + AnCo teaming up is estimated to add at least 1 billion pageviews per year for the indiesphere, enabling blogs to make more advertising revenue and expand into larger media conglomerates.

What do u think of the LeBron James signing?
Which buzzband did u think LeBron was going 2 join?
Was LeBron better suited to join another buzzband?
Will be a better band with LeBron?
Will LeBron and Panda Bear have solid chemistry?
Will a member of AnCo request to be traded to another band?
Is this a ‘huge win’ for the indiesphere or a a huge loss for the mainstream sportosphere?
R u expecting to see LeBron James doing ’sweet dunks’ next time u see play?